He came into town one day, just as the summer was ending. He was a tall man, dressed all in black with a tall dark hat that reminded the townsfolk of Abraham Lincoln. Why, just looking at him made you want to read the Gettysburg Address. But there was also a look in his eye-you knew that he could look right through you if he wanted to. You knew that when he spoke, you were to listen, when he demanded action, you were to deliver. He was... the man, and he was looking for his archenemy, a culprit that lived on smoke and moisture. This outlaw thrived in all homes in the old days, but now chose to reside in a select few. He would lie in wait during the warm summer months, often forgotten by the inhabitants of the town. But when fall and winter would come, then he would show his ugly face, growing slowly until he was either removed, or decided that it was time to cause havoc. His name? (I can assure you, it isn't Mr. Drip.) Mr. Sote.
"Gather round, everybody.!" the tall man said, as he stood in the Town Square. "I'm looking for a bad hombre, a real character, and I think that he may even be in this town right now. And it's up to you to help me flush him out. (Actually he does leave that part up to the guys at Roto-Rooter.) I mean to say that I need you to help me sweep him out of this town."
"What do we do?" asked the townsfolk, trembling with fear and dread, like the driver's license tester does when he sees someone pull in, who can see only when looking through the spokes of their steering wheel.
"Go home, everybody, and if you have a fireplace, you need to clean the chimney. Mr. Sote, or Creosote as he's known in the rougher sides of this business, is a real tricky feIIow, but you can catch him before he causes harm to you or your home.
"First, clean out the firebox of your wood stove and fireplace. Remove all ashes only when they are cold enough to touch without burning yourself.
"Now what I want you to do is to get a ladder and a really strong flashlight, and go to the top of your chimney and look down. If you can see that the sides of the chimney have a light coating or dusting on top of it, then he hasn't shown up yet. Burn only dry wood, and always burn your fireplace and wood stove really, really hot twice a day for a least 15 minutes each time. If you burn wet wood, and you don't burn it hot, then you gradually build up a layer of creosote on the chimney wall. The same goes for metal pipe."
He continued. "He might show up looking like a hard crust of glazing. it's going to take a lot of work to get this mess cleaned up, so you might want to call one of my buddies, a trained sweep. Now you might also see thick layers of creosote build up. If that's the case, don't start your fire until it has been removed.
"Now go to a rental yard or a fireplace store and get a chimney brush and several lengths of flexible rods. Make sure that you measure the inside diameter or dimensions of the pipe. If it's a really odd size, take a piece of cardboard and trace the pipe on the cardboard, then bring it into a store.
"If you have a wood stove with metal pipe, take the bottom section of the pipe, lift it off the stove, and put a paper bag there. This will prevent any creosote from entering into the wood stove. Also, securely tape the bag closed around the pipe to prevent any dust from entering into the room. And above all, be careful. Make certain that the stove or fireplace is cold and has no hot coals in the firebox. Call our store at 479-1323 if you have any questions, or contact any other location that sells wood stoves, and. ask for the name of a reputable chimney sweep."
"But mister," a townsman cried, "you have yet to explain why you have such a tall black hat."
You'll just have to read next week's article to get his reply. See ya'!
Originally published in the Daily Courier January 6, 2000